Date: 2018-04-26 01:10
I cannot see from your post how you even had full recovery before marrying again a year later to another woman and then basically, simply put acted out with a SA on your honeymoon. Imagine how she felt to see her newlywed husband with the other women in plain sight ON YOUR HONEYMOON!!!! Imagine how her heart just dropped to the floor of the ocean and every insecurity and pain that you placed inside of her is her entire future with you til death do you part .as a man, it is your duty and honor to protect her inside and out. It is your duty to protect all women in this area, especially this area of purity. This article you mention does not and will not apply to you like it would any other person who has been married for more than a honeymoon (that was not even after a honeymoon but it was during the honeymoon), even a 8+ month long marriage would be a different ground here to apply this completely to. I am going to be, quite frankly blunt and direct and believe I speak for most men and women regarding what they should say to this response and even though it might be hard for you to hear or read, it is the absolute truth. No room to sugarcoat anything..these are men and women and they are a living and breathing being that was created with every intention and vision of Godliness in marriage towards one to another. Keeping always the marriage bed pure and never defiling it. We each were made with feelings and emotions, personalities that need to be blossomed into something beautiful and weeded out of all flaws with one another in marriage. Our gifts and talents uplifted and encouraged bringing always admiration to and for each other in marriage. Becoming one flesh with God in that one flesh at the very core. We were made like this and anything whether we be Christian or not, if anything is not God centered, upheld in purity, honor, respect, understanding, love, sacrificial and service, hopeful, graceful, striving for the very image of Christ himself in our marriages then we all have a hole in our hearts that even though we all can cover them with masking tape, or not ever understand or seek to understand our own emotions and missing links inside ourselves, we will always have those insecurities and sufferings in our own person and in our marriages if God is not the very reason of our unions and hearts. Your wife has every reason in the entire universe to feel like this and act like this. Not to say that she is in the right by some of those behaviors back if it is sin/morally not the right way of expression. But, definitely she does have every right to question and be angry and any emotion she feels like because the reality of it is..SHE IS THE VICTIM! A lot of the problem in recovery of a SA is they do not address or they disregard the very ones who had to or does endure the most excruciating of all, the spouse of the one whom betrayed him or her. There should be no victims in a marriage at all. And it is so sad to see those who have fell into the the traps of the world or their own darkness to be displayed as the victim instead of the one/s whom the person who done the betrayal to them are played off like they are not. If this was any other addiction or struggle in a seen reality instead of being unseen or easily hid, then the accountability and help of a spouse would play a ton more if not all the way 655% in a recovering phase. Together, one flesh..one person/one heart/one soul/one everything!! Why is it so hard for so many to understand this? No matter how hard, how painful, how much discovery of, anything Your GOD GIVEN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER IS YOUR SPOUSE!!! Number 6!! Man and woman up everyone! It might not be easy to hear or tell but this is very crucial to healing no matter what the outcome is. If both spouses work and strive for a Godly marriage and intimacy then the results will be beautiful no matter what has taken place. If the focus is not Christ centered and is self based in any way shape or form this is voided and cannot become a beautiful, God glorifying marriage of a one flesh unity that is going to fly together for better or for worse. Important ! When you withhold any or all or even the most subtle secret or thought and feelings from your spouse then you will always give room for the foothold of the devil and this wound/s will never completely heal because you still shine no light on it with the very person (if married) completes you as a oneness would and should. For those that are wives/husbands of the SA and for the SA them self or has been one of please understand God gave you your first and always after Him, an accountability partner. It is your spouse. No matter how hard and the obstacles in the path from choices of self or others that chose and have to hang on and ride the storm. Please know that it is going to hurt, it is going to not be easy, you will fail at times to extend understanding and grace, you will be hurtful in the wrong ways, you will struggle, you will not want to endure and go on or keep up with the fight. But the most important of all is to remember each other and God! Faithful, Hopeful and Lovingful always never fail to come together to remember this with one another. To go ride out every storm no matter how much it will destroy in and out of you and your spouse, that you paddle together. If you can make it through this with remembering this in a marriage then you can overcome anything! Much love and God bless you all!
My husband and I have been together for almost 66 years. He was the first man I ever loved and I lost my innocence to him. We have been married for over 9 years and have 8 young *censored*ren together. He has history of substantial sexual abuse that occurred for a prolonged period as a 9 and 5 year old. I 8767 ve known this for years. He 8767 s never really dealt with it. About 5 years ago, he started having suicidal thoughts/worthlessness/etc so I found a therapist for him to go to and he went willingly for about 8 visits then said he didn 8767 t like the lady And stopped going. 7 years ago, I found out that he was meeting men off of the internet. Many men. His ads he placed always stated he didn 8767 t care what the person looked like, etc. This had been going on for several years. We broke down, cried together, alone, and he begged me to help him that he doesn 8767 t want to have these feelings but doesn 8767 t know how to fight them. I was very convinced that he wanted to be gay. Now, I feel confident that at best, he likes men and women. He doesn 8767 t solicit women, only men. He said he gets a feeling of needing to feel shame. So, we go to marriage counseling. The counselor says, she can 8767 t help is because our problems are too big to start with dual counseling, but that we need individual counseling first then work in the marriage counseling. I go to therapy almost weekly for about a year, and he goes once or twice a month for awhile (because that 8767 s what for into his schedule). It helps some. It really does but those trust issues never really go away. And I still have some resentment. So, fast forward, we have our third *censored*. Things seem like we are making positive strides and I can tell he is definitely trying to fight these feelings. Its been awhile since he 8767 s been to therapy (because of financial reasons) and I work overnight, so he is home alone with our *censored*s. I found out 8 days ago that he started soliciting and meeting men again. I 8767 m crushed and emotionless at the same time. I need him to get help for him for the wellbeing of our *censored*ren. And I love him dearly. And I love being his wife. Our communication is far from great and we have both made efforts to fix that, but it seems useless to stay here anymore But at the same time, I don 8767 t want to give up. He 8767 s a great father and allbeit, a shitty friend now for what has happened, he has been a great friend for many years. I 8767 m at a loss
When do you just walk away?. I am a Christian woman who has believed God for the changes in my husband and marriage but I can no longer take his abuse and it is causing me some health issues myself. I have developed depression and even have a stress rashmall over my body dealing with the insanity that I have been dealing with.. No one knows or sees the insanity I am living in as everyone on the outside thinks my husband is so nice. Well, he is a good ACTOR as that is how he could talk so many women into affairs with him previously. He did previously go to a Christian sex addiction live in program for seven months. How happy I was thinking he was repented and was such a changed man as when he came back he even enrolled into a bible college claiming he wanted to be a pastor or biblical counselor but it didn 8767 t last that long. All the while, I had been waiting patiently for the healing for me and our marriage to come and never did. Everything is always focused around him and his desires but he never dealt with anything that was important for me and he never made any real attempt of the things I wanted him to do to help restore healing to me and this marriage. My feelings and emotions have always been put on the back burner. He refuses to deal with the past in the right sense and nothing has moved forward because he doesn 8767 t want any accountability of the past. The times he did give some effort to talk about the past and reveal what he needs to tell me where really lies which I then later discovered the real truth and when I confront him his stories change and he says HE NEVER SAID THAT (the lies he told).I could handle the past if he would only tell the TRUTH instead of half truths, and blatant lies and stupid mind games that are making me feel insane. I don 8767 t know what the TRUTH is anymore and I always feel like I can 8767 t believe a word he says. I have caught him recently doing things behind my back and even lieing to me about several different things..like going to a place he was never suppose to go to ( for good reasons). He knows the boundaries but yet does not care how it may affect me. Our arguments have been based on these things or things regarding his boundaries. He thinks he has a right to go places like LAS VEGAS to watch his dad bowl, or should be able to have a non sexual massage from a woman after he had hired a prostitute in Vegas and went to the sexual massage business. Also he wants to associate with his single buddies and has even contacted the friends that was involved in his prostitution scandal that he is no longer suppose to associate with and again all behind my back. I stopped being intimate with him because of these things and his verbal abuse and emotional abuse he compares me to the women he was with to be cruel and tells me I am the worst women he had to ever deal with. Since I stopped having sex with him (even my counselor agreed I should stop) he is very emotionally abusive. Just tonight he told me that he can go out and get sex from any women he wants and that no man should have to put up with a wife who doesn 8767 t want to have sex with him. He doesn 8767 t seem to get it and thinks I should give him sex (that all he cares about and is the only time he is really interested in me when he wants sex) and if I don 8767 t he throws big temper tantrums. He knows the reason why I have stopped but yet he doesn 8767 t do what he needs to do and then expects me just to keep taking this insanity of his double minded ways and abuse. I am ready to walk away because I have been dealing with this behavior for way to many years and I need prayer for strength and help from the Lord above. I need to be rescued out from this situation and the so many irresponsible things he put on us.
This past Aug, 7568, I found xrated dating sites on my husband 8767 s phone and, thinking I 8767 d better look at his computer, hundreds of porn sites that he was using to masturbate to. I confronted him, he admitted to using these things, plus porn shop video booths for masturbation, undressing women in the store, waitresses, anyone, for future fantasy and masturbation. He had ( and will always have to guard himself from) an addiction to big breasts and 8775 round, tight, bubble butts 8776 , as he put it. Since Aug, the week after recovery, we have been in counseling, sex addiction recovery group at CR, my own group at CR for my help with dealing with this, a couples bible study group, and we meet with another Christian couple who are mentoring us on how to have a good, Christ centered marriage. These are all good, but exhausting. Early on in our journey, aost from the very first day, we have agreed , after struggling with what this would look like and how it would be done, as to what info I, the wife, would need to know, and he would need to disclose. I found out that I needed to know everything. Every detail, thought, desire, how he carried it out, where he carried it out, how he used women, how he got the money for the video booths, how he managed to find the time, how, and working on, why he did these things. Just everything! At first he was reluctant to dpill everything, but as time has gone by he had become more trusting of me to know everything. As his trust has grown, he had shared more and explained in more detail some of the things he was afraid to tellme at first, fearing I would leave him. As his trust in me had grown, and he has shared, my trust in him has grown. It was very difficult at forst. Much pain, many tears, feelings of betrayal, fear of repeated sexual behaviors being repeated, etc., even some hitting of him on my part. The hitting jad to stop, and I gave it my priority to think it through, seeing how fruitless the behavior, on my part, was. I wanted to hurt him because he hurt me. It stopped when I realized it. It only happened two times, but two times too many. We 8767 re past that. Right now we are at a point where we have to make some adjustments in order to continue with a healthy healing. He feels he 8767 s over all this, he wants me to be too so we can move on and become 8776 normal 8776 . I 8767 m not completely ready for that. I 8767 m still working on days of 8775 flashbacks 8776 , remembering all the hurt that still is there. He has some small areas to work on too. I realize some of his old habits are still around, looking at women, judging their appearance if I ask him what he thinks about what he 8767 s looking at, but I don 8767 t feel he 8767 s lusting after them. It 8767 s just a lifelong habit. Most of the time he doesn 8767 t even realize he 8767 s doing it. I should say, also, that he is almost 67 years old. He had been in this addiction for almost 59 years, and we 8767 ve been married almost 97 years. Some habits die hard. He got out of it 8775 cold turkey 8776 , and the looking at women habit is the only one I can detect, so I believe him when he says he 8767 s clean. He tells me that I am the only human being that knows everything anout him. I fully realize that there will ne more things that come out over time, but, because of the love of my father, God, I will be able to deal with them. My husband tells me that he is grateful that I stayed with him and that I helped him as much as I did with learning to open up and share in innermost thoughts, feelings, and ugly behaviors. This is, according to him, what helped him on his journey the most, besides the grace and forgiveness God gave him. I am so hopeful for our future now. So is he. We 8767 ve put away our ild marriage and are starting a new one together. We 8767 re thinking of renewing our vows when our 97nd anniversary comes by in April. We look forward to sharing the rest of our lives together in our new, honest, beautiful committment to each other.
Ps: he does share everything the group shares when he 8767 s in it. We discuss it, thinking it through. My husband 8767 s desire is to help other men i. His group with the knowledge we gain grom our frank discussions we 8767 ve had and are constantly having. We both praise God for His goodness towards us.